The Contender, Alfred Brooks
A Child Called It, David Pelzer
Donatelli's Gym in New York
One Day in the state of New York at a small beat up gym called Donatelli’s there was an African-American teenager working out at peanut bag. Around this time the teenager finished his workout and was wiping his face when a little skimpy boy asked him “ Is this Donatelli’s gym?” The Teenager responded, “Yeah. Were you looking to join and workout?” “Yes I was. My name is David Pelzer I heard this is where champions started to box.” “Well you have to become a contender first before you are a champion but anyways my name is Alfred Brooks. Have you ever boxed before?” “Um. No but I would like to start. Could you help me out?” “Sure. I’m always around here just pop in when you want to start and ill show you the ropes around here. First, you need to start running in the morning because the core is key boxing. Is that Ok?” “Yeah I can start doing that. Could I start working out tomorrow?” “Yeah ill meet you here bright and early at 7 a.m.” “Ok. Sounds good,” Replied David anxiously.
“Good morning Alfred. I ran at 5 this morning just like you told me to do” “Good that’s good start as early as you can. Now, the first thing we’re going to try is the big bag. The big bag is to work on your power and to strengthen your arms. Give a couple punches and lets see how ya’ do.” David punched it as hard as he could and it felt like punching a solid brick wall. Alfred starts to chuckle, “Not so easy is it? That’s ok you’ll get it sooner or later.” David thought to himself, “My hand stinks of sweat and leather from punching the bag but that’s what the whole gym smelt like anyways. The gym was always dark because it only had two windows by the front door but there was always a light bulb in the middle of the ring in the gym. You could always see the dust when the light shined through the windows. “This is the peanut bag,” said Alfred interrupting David’s thought, “after practicing you should be able to keep hitting the bag repeatedly to work on your rhythm.” David Watched Alfred hit it. It sounded like a machine gun bouncing off of the wooden board that the little bag was attached to. Alfred stopped punching the bag and said,” And after practicing these two things enough we can get into sparring but you’re nowhere near that so don’t worry about it. Ok, Alfred said exhaling, this is pretty much what you’ll be doing here to work out so if you don’t have any questions for me we can start getting into a rhythm of working out constantly and really start to improve. So... I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Ok. I just have one question?” “Yeah? What is it?” “Were you ever a contender?” “I got close but my coach, Mr. Donatelli, thought I didn’t have the passion of boxing anymore and that I was only going to get hurt out there so I stopped boxing after that and now just workout here.” “Alright well thanks for showing me around I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Alright get home safe.”
“Alright first we start with some push-ups and sit –ups.” So David did as he was told. “Good, good. Now we move on to chin-ups and dips.” David struggled a bit in that workout. “Ok not bad but you’ll improve the more and more you do it. Next we work on strength at the big bag and speed and rhythm at the peanut bag and we just repeat all the workouts again like a rotation. Did you run today?” “Yes,” David said in between punches to the big bag. After one rotation of the workout routine David was sweating more and breathing heavier than he ever had before. After working out for a couple weeks at Donatelli’s David became stronger and stronger as Alfred and David’s friendship grew as well. Soon it would be time for David to start sparring and then he would have his shot to see if he has what it takes to be a contender just like his new best friend Alfred was.
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Personally, I thought the story was pretty good. I can really picture the scene when Alfred and David were training. You described the scene very well with the dust coming out of the bag and describing the smell. This story kind of reminds me of the Contender except without Donatelli and shorter.
ReplyDeleteThe Dialouge between the two characters seemed very real. Some things that made the characters seem real was they often had realistic conversation and through the dialouge you could feel the connections they made. The only thing in the dialouge that could have been better is the part where Alfred said he wasn't a contender, but he should have said he was never a champion.
My favorite part of the story would have to be when they first start training and David can barely move the bag. David thought to himself,"My hand stinks of sweat and leather from punching the bag but that's what the whole gym smelt like." This quote stood out to me because it basically shows all the hard work that goes on in the gym to become a contender.
This is a very good essay. I liked how you described so much in detail, mostly the dust. I can picture Alfred showing David how to punch the big bag and David can't even move it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sean up there on how you should have put that Alfred wasn't a champion instead of a contender. Otherwise the dialogue was very realistic and authentic.
My favorite quote would be "The gym was always dark because it only had two windows by the front door but there was always a light bulb in the middle of the ring in the gym. You could always see the dust when the light shined through the windows." I can really picture the dust and the darkness of the gym.
I think that if next time you put like more details on how often David came and how they became closer and maybe more dialogue then it could be better but i think it's very well written.
Sean Continued....
ReplyDeleteSomething that could be problematic is not making new paragraphs once the talkers switch. And again, the only thing problematic about the dialouge is the part saying that Alfred was not a contender when he was. Also I thing you should've added something about David's problems with his mother. By doing this, the reader can feel a better connection between Alfred and David.
For future assignments, I think you should focus a little more on the middle. Most of your story was about meeting Alfred. But overall, the story was pretty good.
From your pal,
Sean R.
Kevin. This was a very good essay. I liked how you used a lot of detail to show the way they became friends. Also the images your essay gave of the too of them working out and getting closer as frends. I think the conversation between both characters was very authentic because you could see how gradually they got closer. also the essay was full of dialog which made it good. my favorite part of this story is how david learns that boxing is not easy at all and it takes a lot to get great and become a contender. the one part of this essay i found problematic is the ending because it seemed to end very suddenly. i would just explain how it ends a little more. like make the ending longer. for future assignments if i were you id do the same thing throughout it but make the ending more detailed.
ReplyDeleteover all nice essay kevin.
- jon
I. I thought your story was very well written. You explained your setting very well. I can imagine them in the gym in my head when I read this.
ReplyDeleteII. Your dialogue was realistic. You made their convrsation seem very relaxed, so it seemed real. The only thing is I always pictured David more shy then you made him sound, but other than that it was really good.
III.My favorite part of the story was - The gym was always dark because it only had two windows by the front door but there was always a light bulb in the middle of the ring in the gym. You could always see the dust when the light shined through the windows. I liked how you explained the setting in detail, and it put a really good image in my head.
IV. The only confusing part of your story was your dialogue. It wasn't really clear who was talking when because you didn't skip lines between lines, and sometimes you forgot your quotes, so just make sure you go back and make sure they are all there.
V. Next time, it might be helpful to have someone proof read your story, so they could catch little things like your missing quotes.
good job garbo :)
continued....
ReplyDeleteI. The part I remember was when they met,I could picture both of these characters very well. You explained your setting, and gave the characters personalities which was very good.
II. Also, your dialogue was very good, but since you didn't have all of it grammatically correct, it was very confusing. Just make sure you go back and check it because that will make the dialogue even better.
III. I thought this descriptive part of your story gave your story a good feeling. It made you feel like you were there in the gym with them, which is always a plus.
IV. Everything else you did was very good, and made the story realistic and easy to understand.
V. Also if you have someone proof read it, they can give you advice to make your story even better. Catching little mistaked or confusing parts in your story can make it a lot better.
I think the story was very well written and very focused on the topic. It was disciptive and exciting to read which kept me reading. I could picture the setting as you described it.
ReplyDeleteI thought your dialogue was realistic and authentic. Like when he welcomes David into the gym. I also thuoght it was interesting to hear what David had to say whan talkin to Alfred.
My favorite part in the story was the begining when Alfred and David are introduced to eachother for the first time. And when David says "Is this where Champion boxers workout." That is my favorite pat in the story.
I think that the ending should have more about David. It should say if became a contender or not, or if he ever got a match against someone. Thats the only thing that should be fixed.